Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Wonder of Boys

Before I had bebe boy, I thought most of men's craziness was simply upbringing -- they had fewer restrictions and more freedom than girls so they, well, acted crazy.  Then, I became a momma of a heavily-loaded testosterone boy and realized that there is NOTHING to nurture, it is all nature.  He is simply genetically pre-programmed and I am only here to provide band-aids and kisses.

Anyone who disagrees with me has never raised a boy.  Trust me on this one.

Here are some oddities that I have noticed about boys:

** they LOVE their penises.  I thought the fascination started at puberty but, nope, we have sonogram photos of the little dudes holding themselves.  Yes, in utero.  Bebe boy #1 shoves his hand in his diaper to watch a game.  Sad but true, started when he was months old.  Actually, the first time it happened when he was less than 24 hours old (Cowboy game was on, seriously, we don't miss those in this house even for birth) -- however, I cut him some slack on this one since he was still all bunched up and unable to focus his eyes..

** anything (and I do mean anything) can be used as a bat, a penis extension or a ball.  I am told that they will later use anything as a gun but we have yet to reach that point with them.

** they are born with that car sound boys make.  You know, the vroom, vroom, screech sound.  They start making it long before they play with toys that make it.  Bizarre but true.

** a girlfriend of mine had her eardrum ruptured by her 18 month old WHEN HE SHOVED A PLASTIC LIZARD DOWN HER EAR CANAL.  Girls don't do that.  Boys love their mommas but in a brutal, caveman-ish kind of way.

** they are endlessly fascinated by peeing outside.  When I told my brother that we were having a boy the FIRST thing he said was "I can't wait for little dude to whiz off your deck."  I (naively) defended my unborn swearing that he would never do something as appalling as that.  {Did I mention that I was not only naive but also a little stupid?}  My brother's response "Don't be an idiot.  I guarantee you Ken pees off the deck and so will little dude.  Hell, I even want to and it is not my deck."

Fast forward two years and "the little dude" has done the deed.  He was having a little diaper time on the deck (this involves running in circles, harassing the dog and wearing nothing more than a diaper.  He prefers naked time but, for reasons that will become perfectly clear momentarily... diaper time is a dodgy affair around these parts).  Hubs and I were chatting.  Gorgeous Colorado evening.  All is right with the world.

We hear the familiar sound of diaper velcro and look over.  Bebe boy has whipped off his diaper and is letting it loose over the edge of the deck.  He even has the pelvis thrust forward thing down (who knew THAT was inborn?).  When he is done, he lets out a huge "aahhhhh" and goes back to playing.

Hubs had to IMMEDIATELY call my brother and announce that the deed had been done at 18 months.  Oh the horror.

** Bebe boy is not yet two and yet knocked the stuffing out of Daddy last night with his plastic bat.  I am, clearly, not in favor of arming toddlers so my sympathy was lacking.  Hubby refuses to get stitches and is now walking around with a Scooby Doo Band Aid across the bridge of his nose.

** as I mentioned above, everything can be a ball or a bat if you just want to be a little creative (candles, zucchini, lemons, onions, cans of hairspray).  I think, as adults, men use sports analogies instead of physical substitutions.  For example, I call my brother to tell him that we are having another boy and this is his response.  "That's great.  You got a pitcher and a catcher.  Now all you need is a third so you can have a hitter."  When I tell Hubs I am pregnant with our second he says "Great!  We will go from zone defense to man-on-man coverage."

A simple yahoo would do but noooooo...

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