My First Outing with Bebe

On our first ill-fated outing en famille, we had to take bebe to the pediatrician. As awful as doctor visits are to me, the yuckiness was exacerbated by the fact that it was the height of flu season, we had to fill out paperwork and, oh yeah, I had just delivered a 9.5 pound baby. I also had pneumonia which I did not realize at the time. Clearly, I am not at the top of my game (this is my excuse for the following stupidity. And, trust me, it does follow. The stupidity not only follows, it downright flows).

Now I realize that I had 40 weeks notice on the baby thing but I am, and always will be, a Last-Minute Lucy. Besides, why pack a diaper bag in advance? Hubby and I spend 20 minutes trying to figure out the car seat (someone told me they did test runs before their baby was born with her collection of dolls. Seriously? Get a flippin' life lady! What adult woman plays with dolls and why would you admit to this? And you have nothing better to do with your time than practice your car seat maneuvers. Might I suggest volunteering...). However, car seats are not self-explanatory and we did not have directions since we got it from my brother and sister-in-law (huge thanks again, guys)!

Finally, we get to the peds office, avoid all the hacking people who have to fawn over bebe (get your nasty-ass coughing self away from my kid, Typhoid Mary!) and, at long last, make it into the exam room. There they strip him to weigh him (yes, in Colorado in the winter) and THEY TOSS THE DIAPER IN THE GARBAGE. The tech leaves casually tossing the following comment over her shoulder "you can dress him again now."

NO I CAN'T, BITCH, YOU THREW AWAY HIS DIAPER!!! Now in hindsight, I realize that I was probably a bit hormonal but I had this unimaginable rage toward her. And I am not normally a rage kind of girl. However, I am forced to rummage through the exam room cabinets looking for a viable alternative. Let me get this out there right now... there are no alternatives to diapers. Mustard and ketchup are viable substitutes, nothing and I do mean NOTHING is an acceptable alternative to diapers.

The doc walks in as I am taping a wad of paper towels to my baby. I will let that image settle in for a moment.

Doc's face is a montage of shock, confusion and amusement, with a dash of horror for good measure. Then he asks the world's dumbest question "don't you have another diaper?"

"Yep, I do. I just wanted to see if duct-tape and bailing wire would also work." Twenty years of education and this is the question I get.

Lesson learned: To avoid a visit from the friendlies at CPS, bring a diaper bag with you.