Vertigo-Inducing Activities

I will readily admit that I am not a television kind of girl. In fact, when Hubby was deployed, I did not turn on the television for a full year. It is yet another item on my list of "not my things."



Truth be told, there were extenuating circumstances to my lack of tv viewing (since I do like to watch the Cowboys) while he was gone. The first time I go downstairs {yes, we only have one television and it is NOT in our living room}, there is a momma bear and her two cubs sitting on the back porch steps eating rib bones. Now to give them credit, Hub's ribs are wicked good so I can't blame them. However, I was new to Colorado and felt like this was a little too much nature too close to home. So, back upstairs for a couple of months.

Two months later, it is a perfect Colorado autumn day: I am making soup, the windows are open throughout the house. Life is good. Perhaps a little Sunday football would go well with this scenario. I go downstairs and, lo and flippin' behold, there is a fox with his head stuck in my window inhaling soup smells. I am less than amused as you might imagine. Back upstairs, never to venture to the lower level until Hubby returns from the desert.

That being said, I decide to buy Hubby a new tv for his birthday a couple of years ago. Actually, I did not decide to do this, the AFA cadets we sponsor thought we needed a new one. Subtle guys that they are ... they actually said "Why do you live in a house like this and have such a ghetto tv?" Honestly, we had never noticed. And, besides, our old one was the proverbial 20 year old car with 10,000 miles on it, driven once a week to church by Granny. Yes, we bought the boob tube in 1994 but it was on only for Cowboy games and some college basketball.


So, I decide that they are right and we need a new television in time for March Madness (Hub's fave time of the year). Off I go to some electronics store where I immediately get dizzy and nauseous from all the television screens. Seriously, I think I caught vertigo or something. I stagger out of the store before you can say "So, you looking for a new tv?"


But, hey, all is not lost. I will do this on-line. The www was invented for shopping, no? So, I go to the vertigo-inducing store's website.

All I know is that I want a television and that someone somewhere at sometime told me that you should not have some kind of tv at altitude because something goes wrong with some part. But, hey, that should be PLENTY of information, right? Have Visa will shop.

Let me give you a piece of advice. Never search the word "television." About 10 gazillion choices come up. Ohfortheloveofgawd. I thought I would simply have to choose between four sizes, pop in my credit card number and, c'est voila, I would be done with my side of this endeavor. No such luck. There are way too many choices for my attention span and lack of interest.

In the corner, I see this glimmering piece of manna "Need help? Have questions? Ask our expert!"

BoNANza! Of course, this initial glee is followed by the internal barrage of questions: They have television experts? Who knew? What kind of degree do you have to have to be a television expert? Are these real experts or just couch potatoes?

So, I IM the "expert." Here is my exchange with the SAE {Smart-Ass Expert}



me: I would like to buy a television
SAE: Great! I can help. What kind?


me: Color
SAE: Ha, ha!


me: Oh, uh, do you need more information than that?


{embarrassingly long pause where I know I am being mocked by said expert and his geeky potato friends}


SAE: They don't make black and white televisions anymore.


SAE: Anywhere.


SAE: Not even Korea.

SAE: North Korea.

I just close the window and hang my head in shame. Then comes the mandatory negative self-talk ... How can I know so little about the most ubiquitous appliance in America? Gawd, what kind of loser am I? Is this common knowledge?


Then I snap out of it and decide that: 1) the IM guy probably watches tv non-stop and, therefore, is pale and pimply and 2) I may not know anything about televisions but I know a thing or two about outsourcing and problem-solving.


So, I give the cadets a budget and ask them to pick one out for me. All was right with the world. The cadets were thrilled because they got an upgraded tv for their weekends at our house. Hubs was happy because he got to watch March Madness in high definition. Most importantly, I was happy because I did not have to deal with vertigo or snarky potato people.