Woodpecker Heads and Haunches

My next door neighbor is a big-time hunter. He has so many heads on his walls that I call him Wall-of-Death. Hunting is not my thing for many reasons:

1) Loud noises
2) Getting up at the crack of dawn
3) Stalking and dragging is not my idea of fun
4) Momma doesn't do cold or sticky
5) Best case scenario, I am eating venison for a year and, well, yucko

However, having WoD neighbor is ridiculously handy because he does, occasionally, bring me trout that he has caught. It is also nice to have a nearby person who is not afraid of mice, snakes and the like. When Hubs was deployed these "boy jobs" got delegated to WoD.

So, one morning, Hubs is in Afghanistan and I am taking the dog out. Without my glasses on, I swear I see an apple in my front yard. Not wanting to encourage the deer, big horn sheep and rabbits to eat in my landscaped front garden, I figure I will toss it out back. Not to bore you with details but they are important later to the story. So, in getting to the aforementioned apple, I step over a huge stick which I figure I will move later. Fruit first, forest second.

I get to the apple and I realize IT IS A HEAD. A bird head but a head nonetheless. Fortheloveofgawd. And, for the uninitiated, let me explain a little something about myself: I am terrified of birds. Absolutely petrified. I know it is a stupid fear but it is my phobia so butt out. At least I own my stupidity. Hubby is off fighting the Taliban and I am left sans glasses with a head in my front yard. This seems like a job for WoD because there is no possible way I will be able to deal with the noggin on my own. Rushing back to the safety of my house I leap over the aforementioned stick and, looking down, realize that it is not a stick but a haunch. Complete with tendons, hoof and fur. My life has now become some kind of Wildlife Kingdom spin-off starring Freddie Kruger.

I call WoD and hysterically sob my story. Okay, I don't actually get the story out but I blurt out random words and assume he will put together the verbs and niceties. My end of it sounded something like "Joy... woodpecker head... help... apple... haunch... help... tendon... help... fur... moving out... help." {As an aside people LOVE for you to call them panicking at 6.30 in the morning. It guarantees you the Neighbor of the Year Award}.

He actually asks "And what do you need?"

"YOU TO GET YOUR NOT-AFRAID-OF-DEAD-ANIMAL-PARTS ASS OVER HERE AND FIX THIS."

He comes zooming on over and, picks up the haunch WITH HIS HANDS. Oh egads, egads, egads. Don't you have special equipment for that or something? In sympathy, my hands start itching. Then he walks {with haunch in hand} to the bird head. He then says, in all seriousness, "That is not a woodpecker head, it is a wild turkey head."

"Oh, well, in that case, by all means leave it there."

Dude, clearly, you have missed the key word in my request which is "head" not "woodpecker." I want the head out of my yard, I am nebulous as the the species of bird.

And, according to some people, I am the one without the common sense.