My Husband, the Test Pattern

My husband, Ken, has a million amazing characteristics and a few horrid ones. Of course, I focus on the "awfuls" and publicize them to the www. What are marriages for if not public humiliation? To his credit, his flaws are all superficial ones, nothing horrid like being a bruiser or having poor table manners.




That being said, the man has no sense of style. Not that many white, American, heterosexual guys do... but he is appalling beyond what is acceptable for his ilk. And, if you think I am being {needlessly} critical, let me plead my case:



He was going to go to the gym wearing red sweatpants (why he even has red pants, I don't know) and a green sweatshirt. When I told him he looked like one of Santa's colorblind, little helpers he got all cranky with me.



His favorite, lucky hat is missing half the bill because the dog chewed it. This does not stop the fashionista from wearing it unless the sun is really strong and he feels that he needs more sun protection.



He has, on more than one occasion, bought pants at a hardware store. Who knew Home Depot sold pants?



So now I hope you see that the following story is not simply me being mean nor was this incident simply an anomaly.



Ken worked at NATO HQ for the SACEUR Wesley Clark. At this time, the ruckus was going on in the former Yugoslavia so Sweetness was working a million hours a week. He was also on television all the time (seriously, it was a daily occurrence for months) as an extra in the NATO saga.



I am working in Milan and, upon getting back to the hotel room, pop on CNN to see what is going on in the world. I see from the corner of my eye this test pattern thing. My first thought was "how could someone leave the house looking like that? Is he blind? What kind of pathetic creature... Has his wife stopped loving him? Fortheloveofgawd, what happened here?"



Upon closer inspection, I realize that the "pathetic creature" is my beloved. OH DEAR GAWD! Let me explain his outfit: light gray suit (fine), sage green and black striped Bugle Boy shirt (this was about 10 years after Bugle Boy stopped being remotely cool. I have no idea how that shirt made it through so many moves) and a cheap silk red tie with water stains on it.



Sadly, this was not one of those times that he was only "coast to coast" for a few minutes. Nope, the world had to witness this color/pattern debacle for TWENTY FULL MINUTES! Oh the horror!



I am going to make my fortune on Garanimals for Adult Men.