What Color Is Your God?

Running late today and I have to get to the University of Denver so just a quickie...

Yesterday I am at Whole Foods. I LOVE Whole Foods, it is like a very well-lit, well-organized crack house (well, organic crack -- that is good for you). I have been known to weep in their cheese section. Sad, no?

Okay, so... let me reiterate I love Whole Foods but not the crazies that find me there. There seem to be three kinds of people who shop there: foodies, health-conscious types/hippies and crazies. I am a combo of the first two with perhaps a dash of crazy. Just enough madness to keep things interesting.

That being said, yesterday bebe and I bebop in there en route to a play group (does this make me a suburban yuppie mom or what?). This woman points to the baby and says "Is that a baby?" I look at her asusming she will further explain the question.  With no answer forthcoming, I tell her "No, he's a hermit crab." This stuns her but does not prevent her from following me around asking a lot of odd questions (why do people think it is okay to ask a total stranger about circumcision, bowel movements and the like?) She also made very loud proclamations about how beautiful he is and how she can see that he has a great aura about him. Fabu, lady, please move on. Bebe, thankfully, snoozed through this staccato... alas. Why could he not have sneezed yogurt on HER? Nope, that pleasure was reserved especially for me to add fun to my morning.


Side note:  do not think you can simply wipe yogurt out of your hair and all shall be well.  Nope, all it does is dry crunchy and fruity-smelling.  When you try to brush it out 1) it hurts and 2) it leaves pink dandruff-esque things all over your cashmere. 

But back to the story....  I finally ditch the Crazy-Woman-Who-Is-Unable-to-Differentiate-Basicpecies and Crazy Part Two (CPT) appears.  Seriously, is it my perfume or 99 cent chicken day that is making these peole flock to me?

CPT: God wants me to talk to you and for you to come to church with me.


me:  This requires more details.  Did God reference me specifically or was it more of a "the next person to buy a nectarine?"


CPT: {completely unfazed and undeterred} you specifically


me: Then what is my name?

CPT: I am sorry, I am not privy to that level of information.


me: Seriously? God has different levels of security clearances? And you are only cleared to bother people in produce?

CPT: So do you want to come to church with me or not?


me: Not. Thank you.


{Is ending this pow-wow going to be THAT easy?}


CPT: Why not? God wants you to!


{My hopes for an easy getaway are dashed}


me: Alright, lady, focus on what I am saying because I am only going to say this once. I have three basic tenets for religions that are considered acceptable in my book. Not that I will follow them but for them to even be considered a viable alternative.  First, does it preach violence and hatred? Against "non-believers" or groups that it does not like? As in "How does your religion feel about Muslims and homosexuals?" If it doesn't embrace both of these groups, I am not interested.

CPT is stunned into silence.


me: Tenet two: Does you religion insist that I go door-to-door to convert people? If so, not interested.  I hated selling Girl Scout cookies {and everyone loves a good Thin Mint but it still made me uncomfortable}.

CPT: We are all obligated to share the Good News when the spirit moves us.


me: Oh boy.  Furthermore, Tenet 3... and this is a biggie. Do you accept evolution as a scientific fact or merely an opinion propogated by pagans?


CPT: My preacher says evolution did not happen.

me: Your religion has failed my pre-test. Thank you for inviting me but I must take a pass.

CPT: You would dare to defy God and His wishes?

me: God, no. You, yes. Please don't assume that God is talking to you. It could me that you need more fiber in your diet or you need to change your meds. My God is not a homophobic, science-averse, door-to-door salesman.