The Difference Between Men and Women -- Bed Time Routine

I know that there are a lot of differences between the sexes (and THANK GOD for that, I adore my girlfriends but being a lesbian would involve a lot more drama than being heterosexual.  And, besides, who kills bugs and sets mouse traps if everyone in the house is female?  Does that get outsourced to the neighbors?  I know, I know, I get too caught up in the details but this is what keeps me up at night). 

However, of all these differences, one of the more significant ones has GOT to be bed time routines.  This is my husband's routine.

1) get tired
2) finish beer
3) go to sleep

Seriously.  Now he is low maintenance (23 years in the military will do that.  It is not like a rigorous beauty routine is practical when deployed in the desert but this seems a bit pathetic).

My night time routine:

1) not tired but feel like I should get to sleep soon so I won't be a train wreck in the morning
2) cleanse face
3) put on some serum thing that needs to set for five minutes before anything else can be done
3.5) wonder why I spend so much on serums, lotions and potions when my grandma used Ivory soap and Pond's cold cream and has gorgeous skin
4) make bottle for sweet bebe
4.5) shove some probiotic stuff in it "just in case"
5) give sleeping baby bottle (yes, he will down 10 ounces in his sleep.  He is a rock star eater; and, yes, I do count my blessings)
6) move toss pillows from bed
6.5) wonder why I have so many toss pillows
7) set alarm
7.5) laugh at myself because I have not needed an alarm since bebe was born
8) assume time is up and put on moisturizer
9) brush teeth.  Debate about flossing.  Promise myself "tomorrow"
10) cover up baby and coo over his cute sleeping self
11) say a prayer of gratitude for a healthy, happy, gorgeous baby
12) feel guilt that I ever get annoyed with aforementioned "perfection in a diaper"
13) refill bottle
14) put full bottle on dresser so that when "PiaD" wakes up at 4.30 starving (and I get annoyed contrary to #12 because he is a rock star eater a la #5), I can toss the bottle in his crib and not have a) to wander through cold house and b) to be a functioning human being
15) put on eye cream and wonder if I am getting ripped off by the beauty industry which I know I probably am, but why take chances?  Wrinkled men are viewed as mature and weathered, wrinkled women look haggard and "rode hard, put up wet"
16) think I need to join a philanthropic dedicated to women's and girl's self-esteem beauty issues
17) ponder writing in journal but figure blogging and Facebook are about the same thing
18) kiss bebe good night just one more time
19) wonder how I got such a cool life
20) change into pajamas and think "I used to wear cute things to bed now I am lucky if there is no spit-up on me"
21) get into bed
22) remember that Delilah the Bulldog has not gone out and that bad things happen when she stays in
23) back out of bed
24) rouse sleeping bulldog from under the bed
25) wack head on bed and wonder "how many times can a person sustain head trauma without becoming a moron?" 
26) fear I am one step away from becoming Troy Aikman aka "Concussion Man"
27) drag Delilah outside
28) shiver on front porch while waiting for her to noodle around
29) back in house
30) back into bed
31) remember that tomorrow is milk day
32) fear that I have indeed become the moron referenced in #25
33) back out of bed
34) put milk order in milk box on front porch
35) giggle that I have a milk man
36) back into bed
37) rummage for lip balm and hand lotion in nightstand drawer
38) wonder why I wait to do this when supine.  Crawl halfway out of bed, brace arm on floor and proceed to rummage.  Bounce myself back into bed.
39) seem curious as to why I have tendonitis in my right elbow
40) kiss Hubby good night
41) listen to him say FROM A SOUND SLEEP "wanna fool around?"  The man could be in a coma and completely deaf but he would still utter that phrase nightly
42) either fool around or think that I should be doing so -- how many years do I have before we are some Viagra couple sitting in two separate bathtubs holding hands.
43) wonder "what is up with that ad?"  Do men with erection issues just sit around in the tub all the time?  Do they not have jobs or interests?  Furthermore, think to myself  "no man I know would call a doctor if they had an erection lasting more than four hours.  They would be calling every women they know.  No one would be safe.  Hide your children and pets." 
44) shudder at the chafing a four hour erection would cause
45) pass out