You Don't Threaten Momma

I have told several stories about my mother but this one is a classic. 

My brother and I knew from the moment that we were born that we were not in charge and that our mother's love for us was totally conditional upon our behavior.  I am not whining or going into therapy, it is simply the way of the world for her.

Jimmy decides when he is about four that he is going to run away.  One of his little buddies had threatened it and the buddy's mom cried, hugged him, asked him to stay and made him cookies.  Jimmy with all the naivety of a four year old actually believed that all mothers behave this way. 

Rookie mistake. 

I tried to warn him that our mother was not like other mothers but he was determined.  So, off he trots to tell Mom that he is hitting the road.  Smell ya later, lady.

My mother has no reaction other than "Okay.  I'll miss you.  Bye."

Jimmy huffs to the door but can't get it unlocked.  So back to my mother he goes thinking "She will totally know that I mean it and I will get those cookies."

I issue another warning that this plan is doomed.  Doomed I say!

My mom hears his dilemma and calmly unlocks the door.  Jimmy starts to panic about where he will go.  It is very hard to run away when you are not allowed to cross the street on your own. 

"Oh, one more thing," my mother says.  Jimmy starts to smile, convinced that she is going to break down or at least crack a bit. 

At this point, she strips him COMPLETELY NAKED, lifts him up and puts him out on the front porch.  "You came into my world naked, baby boy, you will leave my world naked."

And she shuts the door.

Jimmy comes back in the house, covering his own self like fig leaves.  As he walks by, he mutters "Well that did not go well.  And we are not getting cookies in case you are wondering."

I tried to warn him...