I'll See You When I See You!

My mom was in town a couple of weeks ago to see the baby. She is quite transparent about the reason "I am not coming in to see you knuckleheads but that baby needs me." I am convinced that she is plotting to take him. I would be much more worried about kidnapping, but she only drives 45 miles an hour and can only get to four places (the mall, Braums, the grocery store and Kohls) so I figure I am safe.

My mom is, quite possibly, the worst traveler ever. It is a combination of bad luck (her flights never leave on time, a horrid sense of direction) and that she is the only person alive without wheelie luggage.

So, back in the day, I am living in Europe so Mom and Jimmy, my brother, come to see me almost every Christmas. Honest to God, I give Jimmy huge credit for taking this trip with her because 1) as mentioned, she is the worst traveler on the planet {second only to the Donner Party} and 2) at this time, he is dating someone my mother loathed so, in her opinion, she has 12 interrupted hours to bitch at him about his girlfriend.

However, love conquers all and my brother does indeed love me. So, off they go. First, she insists that he carry her 40 pound carry on. Her floral carry on. That weighs 40 pounds. Being held together with duct tape. Without wheels. But it has Twizzlers in it so he succumbs to the siren song. To my mom's credit, she always travels with snacks and cough drops. And she shares.

Because my brother made the reservations, they are not seated together. This simply will not do. Even she can't harp at him about Evil Amy from 20 rows away. And so it begins. She taps the man next to him, asking if he will move so she can sit next to "her little boy." My brother is in graduate school at this time and about 6' 4" When the man does not move, she insists that he must move. Eventually he acquiesces/breaks much to the consternation of my brother.

Finally, they arrive in Amsterdam. They don't have enough time to go into town before their connection to Italy so, joy of joys, Jimmy gets to hang out for 5 hours with my mom. If only she would read ... but why read when bitching is so much more enjoyable?

Jimmy decides to head to the departure gate. Because they have 5 hours, their flight is not showing up on the gate sign yet. My mom decides that this means they are at the wrong gate. Never one to investigate, she prefers randomly wandering around airports looking at every sign and interrogating everyone she sees. She then continues to ask others in case "the first person is an idiot" or "just screwing with her." Why random people would be out to get her, I don't fully comprehend.

Back to her conversation with Jimmy at the gate:
"Are you coming with me?"
"Nope, I'm going to stay right here and read the paper."
"Fine, asshole, I will tell you sister you send your regards. Guess you don't mind missing her wedding."

For the next hour, she storms around the airport muttering to herself about her ungrateful, idiot kids.

Circling around, she sees Jimmy still sitting in the same spot. Not wanting to admit that she is wrong (and preferring to make it seem like she is graciously offering her assistance to him), she says "Last chance, you coming to Italy? If so, come with me to the right gate"
"Nope, I am going to stay at this gate and take my chances." And he goes back to the paper.
"FINE!!! I'LL SEE YOU WHEN I SEE YOU!" And, with that, she storms off again.

Another hour passes and she returns. Flopping down next to him she seethes. "Glad you finally found it, jerkface."